yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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