well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Can you repeat that, but with context?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
