So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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