literally had 100 drinks last night.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
