Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
