Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize