I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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