if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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