I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
