You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
