STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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