Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
