Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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