I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
