I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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