What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
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