I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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