i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
