I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
