sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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