So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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