since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
