he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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