Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
