she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
