the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
