I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
