the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Randomize
