I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
