are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
