Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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