i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
