I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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