we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
