in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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