who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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