I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
