shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize