Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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