im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
