he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i out mim tonsoeep
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