From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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