Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
dude. I can hear the air.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
