Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
