Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
