I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
