nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
