ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
