Buhtt sex?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize