Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
These tits shall not be calmed
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