i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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