You can't motorboat a personality
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
