dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
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