Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
