We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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