About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
