why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
