I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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