Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
