Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
