I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
